What I think I know about relationships

Ok guys so I asked y'all for topic suggestions to write about and you guys delivered!

I was skeptical about some of the topics but I am going to give it my best shot. A popular vote among the topics was "good men vs bad men or the difference between a man and a boy and how do you know." My guess is that some of you who are asking me to write about that topic are either in a relationship or are in the "just wanna" know type of situation.

I am not in a relationship currently and so anything I say from here on out is pretty much base on observations and things I may have experienced.

I was in my second year of college when I fell for a guy that I felt had everything I wanted. If you ask my sister I had a list of what my perfect guy should be (well not anymore because I had to get rid of it and I'll explain why.) He was the first guy I ever spoke to my dad and family about and the first to meet some of my siblings. What I realize so far about us women, when we fall for someone, we go in real hard, extremely deep, and we get blinded.

I saw no one else but him, I didn't think of anybody else but him and warnings were coming from left, right and center but I didn't listen. Well I am sure we all know what happens when we don't listen to advice and counsel from older folks.

We as women tend to go for what we want, what seems perfect and not what we need or the person God has for us. So back to my list! My ideal guy had to be tall, must be good looking, must be either from a good family background or had 'status!' I kid you not he checked every single box out. But what happens when we are so busy looking for what we want? We don't see the warning signs and the red flags, we end up with the person because of what we were looking for and did not take time to look at their character and who they really are.

I believe there are good men out there, so the difficulty really is with us women. We do not heed counsel, we fall too fast, we want what we want and think we know what we want, we give the benefit of a doubt and when it is too late we end up hurt. While I believe that there are good men out there, there are also some who make me rethink the whole "good men" scenario.

I have an acquaintance who was in a relationship with a guy and they ended up in an argument and later that night he got so upset that he went on social media and sent out some personal pictures of hers because he was upset. I also know of a couple whose relationship is filled with infidelity and the woman would proudly post that she knows she is the main one so the other should know her place and since the guy is aware that she knows, he just doesn't care.

In my case, the guy that ticked every single box off my list was a liar, a cheater and a womanizer. At the end of the day, all he wanted from me was sex, and when everyone told me that that’s what it was, I didn't believe. It was hard to accept the fact that a "Christian" guy could be like that or a man in general.

I always wondered sometimes if men forget that they were born out of a woman. I also wondered about those with sisters, would they be ok if another man treated their sister the way they do or would they be ok if what they do to other women happened to their sisters.But I guess I will never know!

So when it comes to knowing the difference between a good man or a bad man, I can't even say trust your instincts because our instincts sometimes lead us astray.

Here's what I think I know!

1. It is hard to tell the difference between a good man and a bad man so my advice is don't make a decision on your own. If you are interested in someone and it is getting SERIOUS, look to God for guidance if you are a Christian. If not, get to know them first, bring him around your friends and see how he interacts with them. Allow him to talk to your family or close friends.

2. Get rid of the list, if you have one! The perfect man doesn’t exist, we are all humans and fall short all the time, the guy that checks everything off your list might be the devil disguise (take it from me, been here done that). The guy whom you might find not so good looking might be the one who treats you best, the guy who doesn’t have the financial status you’re looking for, might be the one who works hard and builds from the ground up with you. Requirements and qualifications sucks so leave that for the jobs! A relationship is not a job application! I am not asking you or advising you to lower your standards because trust me I don’t and won’t but there is a difference between having standards and morals and having a checklist of requirements.

3. Don't search for a relationship or look for a guy, what is meant to be yours will find you! If you go looking for and wanting a relationship you will end up in a tight spot because maybe it's not your time yet and not the right person for you.

4. I was having a conversation with my father the other day and he reminded me that if a man does something that hurts you once, he can do it again. If you are already in a relationship with someone and he keeps calling you names, like stupid or a fool, good for nothing! Run! He is a verbal abuser! No man acts that way with the woman they love or claim to be in love with.

5. Respect yourself as a woman! Make yourself happy first. What I realize is that when women are in a relationship they put the other person's happiness before their own and forget who they are. Believe that you are beautiful, unique! You don’t need a man to remind you that you are or to feel complete. Your worth can’t be measured by a number on a scale or measuring tape, Be You ti-ful!

6. Date yourself and know your worth first! Why is this important? I believe one can know the difference between a good and bad man or a boy from a man when they know what they deserve and their value.

7. Never make yourself smaller than you are for anyone. If a guy tells you that you're too much or too much for him, believe it! Because the right man will know how to handle you.

8. It's pretty much this, a good man has purpose and knows what he is about and a "boy" is still figuring out his life and will have you going on for years without even knowing where they want the relationship to go.

9. A “boy” or a “bad man’s ” conversations with you will most of the times be about a few things; sex, when he can see you and “chill,” and keeping things on the “DL.”

10. A good man or a man of God will walk in purpose with you, will understand alignment, help you achieve your goals while you do the same and work towards achieving a future while heading towards kingdom marriage.

11. Most of all, a good man is respectful and responsible. A man of God works with you to grow in faith, encourages you when you are weak and loves you as God loves the church. The right one will do everything right without you even asking or hinting.

Like I said, I don’t know it all and I am still learning as time goes by when it comes to relationships but base on the marriages that I’ve been privileged to witness and the one that I was born in, I learnt a few things. My experiences with relationships have not been so great and to find the one, I know I need to draw closer to God and make use of my waiting season and singleness.

Even if you are not a Christian, you as woman deserve all the good there is in this world and don’t you ever settle for anything less.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8