TRIGGERS

Amidst the struggle to break free, I constantly reminded myself, "I'm alright, just breathe in and breathe out!" It's astonishing how we believe we've conquered our past traumas and are on the path to healing, only to be shaken to the core when something triggers those haunting memories once more. It's truly heartbreaking to realize that the most painful part is the countless years of dedication and therapy I've invested, only to feel like the results fell short. It's not just the fact that I've come across a similar situation that resembled that traumatic scene, but also the fact that I've done everything within my power to avoid ever encountering anything like it again.

A few days ago, I was berating myself once again, overwhelmed by panic and fear as a stranger approached too closely. It brought back memories of my teenage years, when I found myself in a similar situation, face to face with a stranger who in the end assaulted me. Back then, I knew I lacked the physical strength to protect myself, but I fought with all my might to escape and find my way back home. That's why it puzzled me that this sense of familiarity washed over me as the stranger approached. The instinct to run surged within me once again! My chest felt like a drum as my heart raced, pounding against my ribs. I knew that if I lingered for just another minute, I would have turned into an ice sculpture. "It's a trigger!" my therapist exclaimed while I explained what happened. I had heard about triggers before, but I never thought I would experience one since the assault.

What are triggers you might ask? Triggers, in their simplest form, are stimuli that elicit a response or reaction from us. They can be external, such as a certain smell or sound, or internal, like a thought or memory. Triggers have the power to transport us back in time, evoking emotions and memories that we may have long forgotten. Triggers can be both positive and negative, and their effects can vary from person to person. For some, a trigger may bring about feelings of joy and nostalgia, or on the other hand, triggers can also be distressing, causing anxiety, fear, anger or sadness. For example, a particular song may remind someone of a painful breakup, triggering a flood of emotions. My therapist has always emphasized the significance of identifying my triggers, and I believe this is the reason why I have managed to avoid encountering them until recently. I have adopted certain strategies, such as avoiding places with low crowds, never going out alone, and ensuring that my location is always shared and monitored. Additionally, I have made it clear to men in my circle and those I meet that I do not welcome hugs or any form of physical contact unless I explicitly give my consent. These precautions have played a crucial role in maintaining my sense of safety and personal boundaries.

Understanding our triggers is crucial for personal growth and emotional well-being. By identifying and acknowledging our triggers, we can gain insight into our own thought patterns, behaviors, and emotional responses. This self-awareness allows us to better navigate our lives and make conscious choices about how we react to certain situations. Unfortunately, despite being aware of our triggers, we frequently encounter unexpected situations that are sometimes unavoidable. And let me tell you, my friend, it's these very circumstances that leave me feeling suffocated. It's frustrating, to say the least. We try to shield ourselves, to create a bubble of safety around us, but life has a way of bursting that bubble. We can't control every aspect of our environment, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, we find ourselves face to face with our triggers. It's in those moments that we feel trapped, overwhelmed by the weight of our emotions.

Given the situation I was in, it was essential to remain composed and quickly regain my focus. Nevertheless, I couldn't ignore the fact that I was deeply unsettled by the ordeal especially when I feel overwhelmed by fear even in minor confrontations. Despite my attempts to enhance my self-defense abilities by taking shooting lessons and regularly practicing at the shooting range, I still struggle to confront these challenges head-on. It suddenly dawned on me that simply avoiding my triggers was not the solution I had been searching for. While it may provide temporary relief, it does not address the underlying issues or allow for personal growth and healing. According to my therapist, when we avoid triggers, we are essentially running away from our fears or discomfort. This avoidance can lead to a cycle of fear and anxiety, as we become more and more afraid of encountering these triggers in the future. It limits our ability to fully engage with life and can hinder our personal development.

On the other hand, facing triggers head-on allows us to confront our fears and anxieties directly. It gives us the opportunity to understand and process the emotions associated with these triggers. By exposing ourselves to the things that make us uncomfortable, we can gradually desensitize ourselves and build resilience. Facing triggers head-on also enables us to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our reactions. It allows us to identify the root causes of our fears and anxieties, which is crucial for long-term healing. By confronting these triggers, we can challenge our negative beliefs and replace them with more positive and empowering ones. it is important to approach facing triggers head-on in a safe and controlled manner. Seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, can provide guidance and support throughout this process and that's what has helped and continues to help me. Additionally, practicing self-care and self-compassion is crucial to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves while confronting our triggers.

Since encountering that trigger, I have found solace in Psalm 107:13-16 “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and burst their bonds apart. Let them thank the steadfast love of the Lord for his wondrous works to the son of man! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the iron bars.” When I meditate on this verse, I am filled with gratitude for the unwavering love of the Lord. His love is steadfast and unchanging, even in the midst of my struggles. He is always there, ready to extend His hand and guide me towards the light. I am in awe of the miraculous deeds of the Lord. He can perform wonders that surpass human understanding. He can shatter doors of bronze and break iron bars, symbolizing the seemingly impossible obstacles that He can overcome. Nothing is too difficult for Him, and I find comfort in knowing that He is on my side. It is also crucial to have a strong support system, whether it's your family or close friends, as they play a vital role in understanding your experiences and providing unwavering support throughout your journey. They can assist you in recognizing your triggers and finding effective coping mechanisms.

If there's one thing I hope you've gained from reading this blog, it's the understanding that no matter how much time has passed since you started healing your wounds and traumas, you possess the resilience to triumph over anything that attempts to bring you back to a place of darkness.