THE LESSONS OF LOSS: DAY 1 - FIRST IT HURTS

"Sergeline, Daddy is dead!"

"Sergeline, Daddy is dead!"

"Sergeline, Daddy is dead!"

All I can hear is that same thing over and over again, it won't leave my mind. My brother isn't the best at breaking news, but I can't blame him. He had to go through it alone and could only call me. I was at church that morning, crying for no apparent reason during the service. When I got home, I told my mom about it. I never found out the exact time of my father's passing, so I can't pinpoint when my tears started. It was strange. I went to work that afternoon as usual, not knowing what was about to happen. Then came that call from my brother, Kelsen.

My heart felt like it was going to stop. Papa and I used to talk every Sunday afternoon, but we hadn't spoken for two weeks because we were upset with each other (mostly me) over something trivial. I couldn't believe what my brother told me was true. There was so much left unsaid between us. Guilt and shame washed over me in an instant, followed by a flood of questions. What could have happened to my father? He was healthy. I missed only two Sundays. What could have gone wrong in that time? My biggest supporter, my cheerleader, my humble papa.

The pain was unbearable. My phone wouldn't stop ringing as my mother shared the news with everyone, not giving us a moment to process. It was frustrating, infuriating. I was angry, sad, and overwhelmed with emotions. I couldn't comprehend how life could change so drastically in a matter of moments. The weight of regret settled heavily on my shoulders, as I realized that I would never have the chance to make amends with my father. The trivial argument that had driven a wedge between us now seemed insignificant and petty in the face of his sudden absence.

I really regret not being able to undo everything, I kept telling myself, I wish I hadn't allowed his words to hurt me so much that I stopped talking to him. How did I end up losing my father? It just doesn't add up! The pain is unbearable, it's so intense that I can't even sleep.

Will I ever get over this?