SUICIDE

There are approximately 7.753 billion people in the world, yet still one can feel alone and be oh so lonely! All to their lonesome, wrapped in their own world feeling unwanted, unworthy of love and underserving of anything good. I was one of those people!

I can sit here and go on and on about statistics and talk about why suicide but if there is one thing I believe is that no one, absolutely no one can fully understand or come to terms with it!

I was twelve when I had my first attempt, there was a lot going on and the surrounding noise was getting louder! My mother had recently left, my parents messy divorce began, being bullied, not being able to have "real and true" friends and the constant thought that something bad was going to happen. I didn't really know what I was doing at first but I took pleasure in cutting myself and burning my fingers. People would often notice that I would have a plaster on my fingers some times at school and they would often say "you cut yourself again!" The "cut myself" to them was thought to be, while using the knife helping in the kitchen or something that happened by mistake, not intentionally. I always liked feeling pain, for some reason, feeling some sort of pain other than the emotional feeling made me feel somewhat better.

I use to have a lot of breakdowns, going quiet for days and sometimes feeling like I am just existing instead of living. I was trying to be what any twelve year old shouldn't be, but with everything going on around me, I grew up too fast. My dad, brothers and I lived in Goodwill at the time and I remember having a bad day at school, some comments were made about me and I felt like everyone hated me. I went home that day, my dad worked security so he wasn't home most days when I would come home and my brothers well, the oldest of the two was always off to football on the playing field and the other would be in his room or doing the same as the older. That day it was just me, all alone in the house, left with the words that was said to my face that day and how it made me feel. I was one gullible child, I believed any and everything! Right then and there I decided that I would save everyone the pain of having to see me or to even have the chance to say anything to me.

I've heard of people hanging themselves and to me it always seemed so quick. Seeing that I liked feeling pain, I wanted something that would last a while but would really kill me. I remember watching an episode of a crime show and a woman died by cutting the veins in her arms and blood was oozing out. She died slowly but surely because she received no medical help. I knew my dad wouldn't be home until eight o'clock and my brothers football practice took a while and so I felt I had time. Here I was sitting on the bed looking for that vein and being ready to cut, but the vein was not showing up! While looking for plan B, the gate opened and here came my little brother with the neighbors grandson, usually they stayed in the living room but for some reason they barged into my room and immediately I threw the knife behind the bed and acted like nothing happened. They stayed there a while talking and playing and I couldn't do anything, one by one the others came home and I couldn't do anything.

I never really stopped looking for ways to remove myself from the face of the Earth! Attempt one failed and then came attempt two, knowing that I couldn't swim I left the sight of everyone and entered the water and again I failed, someone saw me. I stopped for a while, I tried to cope, usually people say if someone really wanted to die they would die but I will also add that when it really isn't your time to go it really isn't! It was a process trying to move pass that feeling, feeling like I didn't belong and feeling bad and responsible for things that I did not cause.

It wasn't until later I found out from my therapist that I had what he referred to as "separation anxiety," the constant separation from my mum which began when I was five and then again at eleven was a source of most of my fears. The divorce added more and one by one I was holding and carrying it all and not voicing how I truly felt about anything. The bullying was one thing and tied with everything else was a constant reminder to me that I was different, standing out from the rest.

With a change in environment, not living with my dad and brothers again, like everyone else I thought I would be better and that it would pass but it didn't work like magic. During my mid teen years I learned about God's stance on suicide and how it would be an automatic ride to hell. I had help from people who always noticed something was up with me but most of all God was really there every step of the way. I never really stopped liking pain, I fell in love with tattooing and would burn my finger tips from time to time and I remember one of my closest friends now Jayanie would say "girl you have a problem, why you doing that," but it was a process and one that was extremely worth it because it brought me to where I am and who I am today.

In keeping this blog short I am going to jump over a lot of things but the point of today's blog is this, the trauma's and pain of our childhood does not define or determine who we become. If I had to judge myself and critique, who I am today would not even exist. While others may have succeeded with their attempts, I feel blessed that I didn't because everyday I see why it never happened. If you have a family member who you notice acts strange, go quiet, refuse to talk, cry repeatedly and lies for nothing, check on them! Even those who act all macho, like they are okay and is always great, check on them the most! Everyone's cry for help is different but what's the same is the end result, it can go either way.

You might not be a believer and so God might not be the first person you run to but always have someone you can speak to because silence kills. I had to work on myself a lot and learn to love me for me and that in itself changed a lot of things but talking to someone you trust or a therapist really helps.

To those of you reading who has lost someone to suicide, I don't know what it's like or what it feels like to lose someone to something like this but I hope that you can rely on God and trust him to be your anchor and help during this time.

To those of you who are feeling unloved, unwanted etc. let this be your sign to seek help, again just talking to someone is a big step in you getting better.

But my best head start and encouragement to you are these verses:

Proverbs 19:8 Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good.

Song of Solomon 4:7 You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

Ephesians 5:29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.

1 Timothy 4:12 Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

Love,

SJ