My Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis

There are things in life we can never truly understand and explain! One minute you're ok and the next you're not, or like the saying goes, "here today and gone tomorrow." Some of the things we face often lead us to question many things, but the beauty of life itself can be seen in how different we all are!

I got diagnosed with this disorder in my teens, at first it wasn't something I understood and as time goes by, it is a condition I am still learning a lot about. Imagine living your life to the fullest, thinking that everything is all right and here you are finding out that there is a name being placed to the emotions and the way that you feel on most days. Well that's what it was for me!

Many don't understand the complexity which is Bipolar disorder. It's more than feeling happy now and sad later. The symptoms of this condition are so diverse that it can be hard to accurately be detected.This condition is characterized by mania/ hypomania and depression, and to be really honest it feels like hell. Although everyone has their own unique experience with this disorder, it can be unanimously agreed that when left unmanaged the symptoms are terrible, and unfortunately with both mania and depression they do bring along other symptoms which could possibly be mistaken for other mental illnesses, which makes bipolar quite difficult to spot and treat.

With mania there is that feeling of grandiosity and invincibility where you're on top of the world and can accomplish anything you put your mind to. However, in that state you may develop hyper fixations and obsessions on people, objects or things which could become unhealthy, but fuels the high part of the disorder. On the other hand, with depression comes the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, basic tasks such as eating and showering become nearly impossible.

Unfortunately, many people do not understand the extent at which it can debilitate an individual. Sadly the morbidity of this aspect of the disorder gets to the point where many individuals take their lives just to get out of the endless cycle of emptiness and guilt. Furthermore, with an unstable mood, your self image fluctuates depending on what side of the bipolar scale you currently are on, and this also extends to how one views other individuals around them. Personally, when I'm manic I'd like to believe that I am more fun to be around because I feel truly happy and spontaneous enough to do fun and exciting things. I also enjoy being around my friends and look forward to meeting new people and enjoying life. With depression it is the opposite. During this period I feel hopeless and  frustrated with myself.

In the same way, I become highly irritable when dealing with others and every social interaction feels forced and draining. When given the opportunity I self isolate to avoid the judgment and possible confrontation about my depressed mood, which in itself prolongs  the condition.

Lastly, when it comes to treatment, bipolar patients such as myself can be difficult to treat with therapy as well as medications. There have been moments when I've gotten manic and told my therapist that I was "fixed" and stopped therapy until my depressive symptoms emerged. With this, I regressed greatly when it came to identifying triggers and coping effectively with negative situations. Fortunately, I've learned from that experience and even started seeing a psychiatrist who is able to prescribe mood stabilizers and antidepressants. The down side of this however, has to be that the medications that I have been prescribed did not alleviate the symptoms and began affecting other aspects of my wellbeing.

I'm hopeful that I will find a pill which works before heading to the last resort which is electroconvulsive therapy. Interestingly enough, this is a fear which many bipolar patients share since the condition is hard to medicate. 

All in all, words do little justice when explaining the intricacy of such a condition, and it could take a novel to elucidate the ins and outs of this thing they call Bipolar Disorder.

To anyone suffering with it, you are definitely not alone and help and support is available; never be afraid to reach out because this illness will truly decour if you allow yourself to suffer silently.