In All Honesty!

I've been staring at this page since last night and although I knew what I wanted to write, I have not been able to do so completely. I think I have apologized enough for not keeping up with content but my personal life sometimes keeps me busy but I do try to strike a balance.

Thank you for messaging, checking in and asking me to come back but nothing happens before its time. The past few months have been hard for me, school, work and of course life in general. When I do things I tend to give my all and put my all into it and that sometimes results in sleepless nights, anxiety, and depression. I am also the type of person if I am suffering, you won't know unless I "drop dead." Even if my facial expressions were to imply that I am not, my answer will always be that "I am Okay" or" I am fine."

Lately, I've been wanting to give up on a lot of things, friendships, relationships, school and if I am being honest I would say it all. Not sure why these feelings kept coming but they were overpowering every good I had left inside of me. I stopped writing for months, consistency in communication between friends, family and myself became weak and I had absolutely no zeal or saw the need to make amends.

Loyalty to me means everything and from the time I start questioning that in others, it sends me in a frenzy and that sometimes is a major turn off. I have a big heart and my mother often says that I love and care too hard or too much and maybe that's why I am always hurt.

In previous blogs I shared on my new found self love and happiness in self, and if it wasn't for that, I am not sure how I would be able to make it these past few months. The foundation to happiness or anything else in life is first loving who you are. The thing about people is that most times they put themselves first no matter what the situation and often times those who put the needs of others before theirs are left behind. Well! That was me!

It just so happens that in life we give our all to the wrong set of people and in the end we are left with a mark that we have to carry on forever and a pain that lingers on and on. We question everything and everyone, the good and the bad and sometimes the unquestionable. The craziest thing for me is that in order to keep my cool (sanity), I have to bury myself in work, I need to be busy or my mind have to be occupied with something in order for me to continue on. While this might be unhealthy, it has been the only thing that has worked for me.

So I am not going to promise content every week because I took on a lot of new projects, but I can reassure you that I am doing much better.